A Little Push- Scene 2
Fade back up to a less cluttered area than the last scene. In the middle of the stage, there are a couple of cubicles lined up against one another. One of the cubicles is partly lit and partly in the dark. The other, Andy's cubicle, is also unoccupied but solidly lit. On the desktop, there is a standard desktop computer with a keyboard and a headset microphone.
It remains silent for a few beats until we hear Andy and C-Andy talking to each other off stage right.
ANDY WARREN
(Off-Stage)
How was I supposed to know the lady on the street couldn't see you?
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
(Off-Stage)
I warned you your girlfriend would have trouble believing the story. I figured you put two and two together in that scenario.
ANDY WARREN
(Off-Stage)
You could’ve just come out and say it!
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
(Off-Stage)
I could’ve. You just never asked...
With that, the two of them emerge from stage right and head over to the empty cubicle. They are both dressed in the same identical work wear that they wore in the previous scene.
ANDY WARREN
When did you get dressed? We left the same time.
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
Long story- a lot of psychic wizbang and spiritual connection with us. Short story- cool magic you humans haven’t grasped yet.
ANDY WARREN
(frustrated sighs, walking in front of C-Andy)
I hope you are ready to be amazed by my work, my subconscious pain in the ass.
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
(as Andy approaches the chair and sits down; looking around)
Given the steady blend of gray and light brown on the walls and the enlightening conversation, I'm not holding my breath.
ANDY WARREN
(chuckles, putting on the headset)
Watch and learn.
(turns in his chair over to C-Andy)
And for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, try not to be condescending when I’m talking to customers.
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
You’ve got my word.
The speakers reverberate with the sounds of a telephone ringing. It continues a couple of more times as Andy sets up to answer the call. On the third one, he finally does answer it.
ANDY WARREN
(courteous)
Hello, ma’am, Tri-State Cable Call Center. Andrew Warren speaking, how may I help you this morning?
CUSTOMER
(angry)
Help? Hah! You ripped me off, you fucking piece of—!
ANDY WARREN
(confused)
Excuse me, ma’am?
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
(giddy)
Oooo, this sounds fun already!
CUSTOMER
(increasingly angry)
You’re charging me on my monthly for a premium package that I fucking cancelled months ago. I was told by one of you stupid worker bees then that everything is fine, which- proved to be bullshit now!
ANDY WARREN
Okay, calm down ma’am. I’m sorry for your troubles. I’m sure this is just a clerical error.
(moves closer to the keyboard)
Now, what is your last name?
CUSTOMER
Stewart. Janice Stewart.
ANDY WARREN
(as he’s typing)
Alright, Ms. Stewart. Your address is still 35 West 17th Street, correct?
CUSTOMER
Yes, it is.
ANDY WARREN
(further examining the computer screen)
And your phone number is 822-25—
CUSTOMER
(annoyed sigh; enraged)
Yes, it’s the SAME FUCKING PHONE NUMBER IS! All I want to know is why I’m being charged $30 more for something I don’t watch and to stop it immediately.
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
That is a lot of anger over getting some extra movie channels. Maybe she’s not a fan of American Gods.
ANDY WARREN
(muted; to C-Andy)
Shut up!
CUSTOMER
Who are you talking to?
ANDY WARREN
(back to a businesslike manner)
Nobody. Just...nothing you need to worry about.
(examines the screen)
The package in question is the one with HBO, Cinemax, and Starz, yes?
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
(underneath his breath, pacing around the front of cubicle)
And we move on to the “Smiling while Getting Shat On” part of the day.
CUSTOMER
(same time as C-Andy’s line)
Yes, it is.
ANDY WARREN
According to this, the package has been taken off your Basic level subscription. But since the cancellation took place a few days before the end of the month, you were still charged for that package on that month’s bill—
CUSTOMER
(interrupting over him)
Oh, for fuck’s sake!
ANDY WARREN
(she starts muttering expletives to herself over the line as he’s speaking)
We’re unable to fully pay you back the $25 on the bill. We can put it into a separate line of credit you can use it for movies on PPV- pretty good date night idea for you and your wife, if one’s coming up.
CUSTOMER
(pause; in an annoyed yet semi-respectful tone of voice)
...I might as well.
ANDY WARREN
(as he types)
Alright, I’ll set the credit to your account now.
(finishes typing moments later)
Is that all for you today?
CUSTOMER
Yes, that’s it.
ANDY WARREN
Thank you for choosing Tri-State Cable. Have a wonderful rest of your day.
CUSTOMER
(under breath)
Dumbass!
Line immediately cuts off. After a few beats, Andy slings the headset off of his head and rests it around his neck. C-Andy walks over behind him and pats him a couple of times on the shoulder before resting his hand to his side.
ANDY WARREN
It was just one angry customer. That’s all.
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
(scoffs)
Right! What about the dude last month who chewed your head off because the installer took four days more than scheduled to install his new DVR box?
ANDY WARREN
In his defense, I’d have probably been pissed off too since Joey always takes his sweet ass time to go out to new installations.
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
Don’t forget those annoying Yankee fans who always bitch to the call center whenever it’s too rainy or their signal goes out.
ANDY WARREN
Ah, the Couch Bums! I did think they were annoying. But over time, I’ve gone to appreciate the goofy ass weirdos.
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
That might be so, but you’re forgetting one big thing.
Bossman
(Off-Stage)
Greetings and glorious salutations, young Andrew...!
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
(simultaneously with Andy)
Bossman.
ANDY WARREN
(simultaneously with C-Andy)
Bossman.
BossMan, aka Boswick Mann, comes out stage right and stands between the two of them in a very chumly manner. He is a gray haired, chiseled man with a round face and blue eyes. He tries to seem approachable and human, but often comes off as stilted and off-putting thanks to his stilted nature and overly flowery way of speaking. He is dressed in an impeccably tailored black suit with nary a hair or piece of thread out of place.
BOSSMAN
What a splendid day it is today.
(to Andy)
How are you this lovely Friday?
ANDY WARREN
(awkward, to Bossman)
Um...I'm good Mr. B. I just wrapped up a call.
BOSSMAN
I know. That’s actually why I wanted to talk to you.
ANDY WARREN
Sorry, I—I can explain. It—
BOSSMAN
It’s nothing negative. You did
everything by the book, Andrew.
(walks past C-Andy over to Andy)
The way that you kept thine composure steady under the pressure and rage exuded from that vile beast is quite admirable. Especially given your brief time spent in our employ.
ANDY WARREN
(timidly smiles)
Thank you sir.
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
Something smells fishy here…
BOSSMAN
Keep up the good work...
(fakes walking away, but stops after one step)
Oh, there was one other thing I wanted to talk to you about.
ANDY WARREN
Yes, Mr. Bossman?
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
Here it comes!
BOSSMAN
You know that Tri-State Cable is upgrading our online customer service operation due to the popularity of Tri-State To Go.
ANDY WARREN
Yes, sir.
(smiles)
I remember the E-Mail you sent to the staff.
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
(disgusted)
Oh, sweet Carlin! He's gonna slap some overtime on your ass.
BOSSMAN
With the expected new business, we’re anticipating a lot of calls coming in to the Center. Till we can get some of the newbies properly trained, that means our more experienced call center workers will have to work extra hours to cover the extra rush. I know you’re scheduled off tomorrow, Andrew. But I figured, given your performance lately, if this shift would interest you.
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
(hovering over Andy’s ear)
This is easy, dude. Just say no and tell him about your big date with Vanessa. I’m sure he’ll understand.
ANDY WARREN
(intrigued)
How long would this shift last?
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
Don’t tell me you’re actually considering it.
BOSSMAN
It would be your usual shift, same
pay- start at 9 o’clock and end at 5. Though with the popularity of the app, I suspect it would end closer to 8 or 8:30 at night.
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
Tell him you are busy, you fucking idiot!
BOSSMAN
I know a man your age probably doesn’t want to work on their off-days. But I would really appreciate the extra hands on deck if you could spare them.
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
Tell him!
BOSSMAN
You are not busy tomorrow, are you?
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
(his lips at this point are a few millimeters away from Andy’s ear; screaming)
Just tell him! I had dinner plans with the woman I love more than life ITSELF!
ANDY WARREN
(breaks past C-Andy, stands up in front of Bossman)
No, I’m not busy at all. I can come by and work tomorrow.
BOSSMAN
(smiles)
Fantastic, my lad! It is so refreshing to see a young man in this day and age who believes in the value of hard work.
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
(storms off to the left; frustrated)
Unbelievable! Third fucking time he’s gonna cancel...can’t keep testing fate like that.
BOSSMAN
(places his hand across his shoulder)
You are going places, Andrew. It would not surprise me in the slightest if, in 10 years time, I see you occupy my job.
ANDY WARREN
Thank you, sir. That is the hope.
BOSSMAN
(puts his hand back to his side)
I have to get back to the office. I shall see you bright and early tomorrow.
ANDY WARREN
See you then.
Bossman calmly turns around and heads back off stage right in a pleasant mood. Andy gets back to work on the next call. All the while, as Andy handles the caller, C-Andy is stewing to himself in frustrated silence with what he saw. After the call, C-Andy turns his attention to Andy.
ANDY WARREN
(looks up and sees C-Andy's disapproving stare)
What?
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
It’s okay to actually say no to your boss. It won’t change your life, taking on one extra shift for the same pay.
ANDY WARREN
(sarcastically)
Says the magical entity trying to convince me that one decision can positively change my life.
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
Sweet Jesus, man--
ANDY WARREN
(immediately interrupts him)
He's my Boss. I'm not gonna tell him off because my "subconscious" happens to hate him.
(brief pause)
Besides, I'm in no position to leave extra money on the table. Especially with the rent due in a few weeks.
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
I'm not talking about the money, dude. That means squat in the grand scheme.
ANDY WARREN
What then?
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
I'm talking about Vanessa. The woman you’ve been going out with for over 2 years. Who you told just last week (after breaking off another date due to work-related BS) that you love more than anything else in this world.
ANDY WARREN
(dismissive)
I know. The dinner reservation isn’t till 7:30. That’s more than enough time to get home, get dressed, and get to the restaurant (with plenty of time to snag flowers at a little corner shop).
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
If you don’t get buzzed in for overtime, or fall whims to the unending Russian Rouelette known as road construction.
ANDY WARREN
I see you spawned from my dramatic side.
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
(loud frustrated sigh)
Listen to me, Andy! You are dancing perilously under a hornet's nest here. I know from future experience.
ANDY WARREN
(confused)
Future experience? That seems a bit outside a conscience’s purview.
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
It’s the time stream, Andy. It’s open for anyone to gawk at, as long as you-
Before he could continue the rest of his thought, the phone rings guiding Andy to go on back to work.
ANDY WARREN
(diplomatic as he sets himself up)
I don’t have the bandwidth for this right now. We'll talk about it during lunch, alright?
CONSCIENCE-ANDY
Alright.
ANDY WARREN
(courteous)
Hello, Tri-State Cable Call Center. Andrew Warren speaking, how may I help you this morning?
A couple of seconds later, he starts improvising a basic call center with the unheard customer on the other line, typing away at certain times. C-Andy meanwhile takes in a deep breath and leans against the side of the cubicle, bored and looking out into the audience. Fade to black.